Gaming Addiction, Meta Moments, And Becoming Real
A story of merging virtual and real worlds
One of the first signs that I had a tendency to fall into gaming addiction was when I started playing Ragnarok Online at seven years old.
Growing up, I was a problematic middle child with a penchant for getting into trouble. I would cut classes, run away from home and at some point, engaged in a violent altercation with my brother. We threw plates at each other because he thought I stole his +7 Very Very Strong Windsmith’s Blade.
Out of my concern, my parents did everything to keep my occupied. After school, they sent me everywhere —painting, golf, Taekwondo, acting classes, voice lessons, etc. I had an unlimited energy, no attention span and a desire to be and experience so many things. When they weren’t looking, I was secretly beta testing online games on the side.
By fourteen, I was admitted on a scholarship to the top high school in the Philippines. Known as a special school for gifted children, it was quite common to hear people making fireworks, water rockets or even entire board games for fun.
At first, I thought it would be a perfect place for me. I was wrong.
They say that where you look towards in the sunshine is where you will return in the middle of a storm.
In my senior year, I had a nervous breakdown. Due to a variety of reasons — dyslexia, long commutes, constant sleep deprivation, it was only a matter of time before my predisposition for anxiety and depression began to take its toll. And it did, with a vengeance.
I was pulled out of school for a month, nearly hospitalized and one bad decision away from doing terrible things. I was a problematic child who had lost a reason to live. Until something happened, I started playing Sims.
I enjoyed being able to look the way I want, have the house that I want, the skills I wish I had… I reveled the illusion of possibility. For a moment, I remembered. I was sixteen, I didn’t have to have a reason to live. I just had to stick around long enough until I had the courage to to make one for myself, for the version of me that still had something to give.
You can’t waste a life you’ve barely lived.
When I had my first real heartbreak, I fell into an even deeper hole. I drank bottles alcohol every day for weeks at a time. Even when I could barely see with puffed up eyes, and shaking hands, I could still load a game of Mobile Legends on my phone.
Whenever I wasn’t working, I was playing — on the road, while waiting for my turn at the bank, in the morning, before I went to bed. Some matches went on for five minutes, other for thirty. Nothing ever lasted long, but I knew that for a single moment, I was winning at something.
My Symptoms of Gaming Addiction
I’m no stranger to the rabbit hole. If you’ve ever fall into it, you’ll know exactly what I mean.
For something so common, addiction to gaming isn’t so easy to spot. You can play hours without eating or sleeping. You’ve said no to spending time with people in real life to reach an in-game goal. In the morning, you wake up to it. You fall asleep to it. On some occasions, you may even dream about it. And man, did I dream about it.
My sprints would last anywhere from a few days to a few months. Like a spectator in my own life, I’d watch hours of my life disappear right before my eyes.
It’s as if I only needed to blink, and suddenly catch myself with a credit card bill with in-game skins, booster packs, gems, or whatever virtual currency was required.
Then, something would happen. I wake up with a proverbial ice bucket thrown over my head. Suddenly, I’m awake.
My lips are cracked from the lack of hydration. My body feels weak because I haven’t exercised. I’ve probably gained or lost ten pounds. For the first time in a while, I see myself again for the first time. And I have become willing to admit, I don’t like it.
The Meta Moment
When I pick up the pieces of my life and try to channel my energy back into the physical world. I call this my “Meta Moment.”
Meta Moments are moments that arrive when you have unknowingly projected yourself into a game and you are faced with the reality that your character is part you, but not all of you.
These moments come unexpectedly, and don’t always happen for every game that you play. But for those who play quite a lot, they must have experienced this at least once.
My most recent one came after playing Magic the Gathering: Arena. For weeks, I meticulously crafted my deck. I evaluated every card if they belonged there. I would balance and rebalance my deck mix.
I kept a log containing details about my matches, took notes every issue that came come up, and how I could have done better. I would even write down names of interesting players, and the strategies that would set them apart from everyone else.
After every few games, I would ruthlessly remove what didn’t belong there. In a week, I had reached the Platinum level on Historic Rank. As I yoyo-ed between ranks, never reaching Mythic, I found myself frustrated, and short-tempered. I kept playing even when it was no longer fun. This was the moment I knew, I was on the verge of addiction, and I had to stop.
I sat down with myself and thought hard about what was it about MTGA that gave me the sense of satisfaction that real life couldn’t. Was it the satisfaction of winning? Or getting to a higher rank? Or being able to afford that new in-game card sleeve?
There was a hole in my heart that I knew no game was going to fill. I had to have the courage to face that void before I could go back to playing without letting it control my life.
The Power of Meta Moments
Meta moments are powerful because they are a dance between two kinds of realities — the one in our heads and the one outside it.
Many people would argue that games are just games, but those of us have turned to them in our darkest moments know otherwise. Sometimes, the virtual world is feels more real than the real world outside it.
The fulfillment we feel when something we have slaved over comes into fruition, can be just as meaningful as moments of success that many people experience in the physical world.
When there is a misalignment between who we know we are inside and who are on the outside, there is a tension that exists between our two worlds. To reach a personal equilibrium, we need to find a balance that works for us.
But because we live in a society that requires external validation, we need to be able to balance the two realities together.
So, how exactly do we do that?
Building A Real Life Skill Tree
To save my sanity, I have formed a unique world view — Life is quite literally a game. As we age, we increase our base level and we have a choice whether we build our skill tree vertically or horizontally.
We can rise the ranks of one particular role, and get very good at that one thing that sets you apart from everyone, treating our work as our craft, dedicating a lifetime to a skill that very few will be able to grasp. Eventually, we can be the wise men that adventurers climb mountains to meet — at conferences, university lectures, board rooms. We can be the boss in own castle, or build our own empires.
Or, we can enjoy the thrill of possibility — traverse many lands, work a variety of jobs, fight beasts of every shape and size, learn as several odd skills, meet as many kings and queens from dynasty, and discover as many versions of ourselves possible. I have chosen the latter.
Making that conscious choice gave me a power over the one life that I have. I can no longer waste what I have already accounted for. I am no longer a spectator in my own life, I have already chosen to actively live it.
Life as a Turn-Based Game
When one thinks of life like an adventure, even the mundane moments become remarkable. Every decision is impactful, because they either bring your towards the life that you want, or away from it.
Should I exercise, or do I rest? Do I stay in or go the groceries? Shall I drive the car, or commute?
“Should I jump out the window, or have a doughnut?”
This moment is never going to happen again. I will never be as young as I am now. There will never be another doughnut that is exactly the same as the one in my hand.
Creating My Own Adventure
Sometimes, I look at back at my tumultuous relationship with gaming. I think about all the hours of my life that I’ll never get back. All the games I spent several months on, and then suddenly closing for the last time. I remember all the broken moments, and the small wins that have helped me rise above them, and learned to make peace with the plot lines — the hero’s journey is littered with both victories and defeats. I know that not everything has to make sense right away. Sometimes, I can enjoy the breaks in between fights. Other times, I just have survive until a new story beat is revealed.
I am here because I have survived all the levels before this.
While I’m sure this world view is not for everyone, it has worked for me. If there’s one thing I have learned from all this, it’s that our lives are a resource. We shouldn’t be afraid to spend it.
On my toughest days, I repeated a silly little mantra, that not many people will understand — “I am here because I have survived all the levels before this. When I feel overwhelmed, I think that it’s only because I’m being prepared to face another boss.”
